Many days now, I have so much trouble getting to the chiropracter because of all I have to do.
Friday, I finished setting up my massage office (mind you with no clients lined up!) and sat down to rest when I panicked that I didn't have my state license nor massage diploma hung. I reached in the bag to pull them out, when I found that all I had in the bag was the "professional" black frames inside, and no license or diploma. I freaked, drove home with my mind in a buzz, trying to imagine where I had put the documents.
At home I searched but didn't find them. Called my friend Sara to see if she knew what I did with them (why would she know!) then proceeded to demolish my bedroom and living room looking for the stuff.
I searched for maybe 15 minutes when I realized I just needed to give it a break and try again later. Normally these things are sitting right in front of me, so with that thought I left my room and went back to my office. Panic continued to rule me for at least one more hour. As soon as I would look at my beautiful office space, I would remember that I couldn't practice massage without them posted, then freak out again.
Finally, after searching in my storage unit, I returned home to check the house again. Oh what did I do? To anyone else, it would have seemed that a burgular came and ransacked the entire room. Still no documents, so I resigned to not having them for at least 2 or 3 more days, since I had to pick up the kids from school to take them to their dad in Memphis.
This weekend I visited with my best friends mom who is dying. She half-raised me so I consider her my second mom. I took some massage lotion with me and worked on her (I asked her permission, altho she isn't alert anymore, enough to accept or decline). I think more than likely that I saw her for the last time. My heart hurts. My best friend has been sitting with her mom round the clock for weeks now, and she is in such a sad place. I wish I could take it all away from her so she could be happy again. Her dad died 13 years ago, so now when her mom dies, she will be an orphan. My best friend is 40, so technically she will not be an orphan, but when your parents die, when you are so young, it is a sort of abandonment.
We came home Sunday night, very late, and the kids were so tired. I had to carry one of the girls into the house, and there they fell into a deep sleep. Lakshmi curled into my arms, so that we spooned together, and I had the best sleep I have had in a long time.
Monday morning, I took the kids to school, and began looking for my massage license and diploma again.
I had to make a veggie dish for Priya's Christmas Party at school, and bring a snack for Lakshmi's. Somewhere there I had to go to the chiropracter and go to my office and try to entice some clients to recieve massage, and then find a gift for Lakshmi and Priya's teachers (they are in different classes) then go to the school and help with Priya's Christmas party. Oh dear! I didn't have time for Priya's veggie dish and ended up bringing pretzels and banana bread slices (store bought). I got some other snack for Lakshmi's class, and accidently took all of to Priya's classroom, then had to retrieve it from Priya's, so Lakshmi would have something to share.
I bounced back and forth between both classes, as Lakshmi's teacher spotted me in the hall and asked me to come to their class for a bite of pizza, that by the time the parties were over, and Priya had consumed 4 (that's right folks....FOUR) regular chocolate bars, all the kids had exchanged gifts, the teachers had given each child a gift and santa (and his eight tiny reindeer!) had seen all the kids, I could have taken a nap on the hood of the van! Oh vey!
I HAD to go back to my office, and continue to let clients know that I was there, a real human being (bean) who would love to give massage (underwear on or off... some lady was asking me about that) and I had Lakshmi and Priya with me because school let out early, then while on my way in the car, I had the bright idea to call the massage board and ask for a replacement license, and could I practice anyway until I got the replacement....and the answer was yes! WHEW!
I realized that I needed to either go pick up Ravi, or call and send him on the bus. Thankfully he is big enough to handle that, and so that is what I did. I finally spent a very relaxing time in my office, reading a massage book, and gave a "sample" hand massage to the person I am renting from.
So far I have sold TWO GIFT CERTIFICATES! So far not ONE MASSAGE has been done...just little samples.
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I pray that if I actually do get massage clients, that I won't be THIS busy!
On a more serious note, I am having problems with the kids dad, and he is not wanting to be flexible with me and the kids, altho when I unexpectedly arrived in Memphis last week, he benefitted by seeing the kids during a no-visitation time. Lakshmi is having some serious adjustment issues, and apparently shared with one of her little friends' mom how she doesn't like all the driving back and forth, and how she is unhappy about it.
I knew she was having a hard time. She needs LOTS of down time, just piddling, relaxing, non-pushy, non-pressured time, but when with her dad, she is being bounced around alot, between him and his friend, and apparently her dad went dumpster diving with my kids, going inside the dumpster, leaving them alone outside of it, while he searched for toys, clothing and housing decorations. This is a man, who was once a terrific husband, great father and all around wonderful, delightful person to share my company along side. Now he is going through the dumps, looking for things, his OCD has overtaken him, and he is a workaholic working 7 days a week as well.
How can he give her the down time she needs, to process information, experiences and truely meet her needs?
What about Ravi? He is expected to be left with the babysitter friend, when what he truely wants is to be with his dad.
At this holiday season, I am feeling a hugh sadness for my kids, and for myself. I wanted to protect them from the abuse, and when I did, I placed them in his hands alone without me being the buffer. My precious souls, are exposed to all the harsh realities of the world, the babies that I nursed at my breast, the ones who recieved nothing but love and gentleness from me, are now at risk for poor self esteem, drugs, alcohol and poverty.
I pray that their dad will find it in his heart to get help, and that Lakshmi can spend more time with me. Currently dad is hard-nosing with his visitation rights - where he insist on having her with him, even tho he will be working full time, and she wants me.
I have poured out my heart here today, because I wonder how I can help my kids.
Jyotsna
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Finding Our Balance
Finally I am able to come back to blogging, on a regular basis. There is so much to tell. For one thing, life is generally going smooth. The kids are doing well in school, I am improving my honing skills (directional) and I am no longer lost like I was in th beginning. I can drive from one town to another, or find a tiny country farm.
When I first got here a little over a month ago, I accidently found a goat farm. Then a couple of weeks later I FOUND them again, on purpose! LOL! I would love to have a couple of goats so I could give Priya goat milk, fresh. I think she would find goat milk much more copable.
Just yesterday, I found the part of town where one can buy a $300,000.00 house. Getting lost is really like finding myself!
Our daily balance in life is that of getting used to going to a new school. We attended a Christmas program the other night at the school, and we felt so much more at home.
Ravi is having a hard time finding his balance here. He came home from visiting with his dad, saying, "It's boring in the country!". There is so much more to do in the city, like going to a park, or going to museums." I asked him if he had been to a park yet with his dad. "Well, yes, once, in the dark". I asked, "Have you been to a museum yet?" Ravi said, "No, but I plan to and you can't go to a museum here in the country, it is soooo boring".
Of course, Ravi wasn't with me the weekend that I went to an art museum, and I hadn't any idea that he wanted to go. Last time I asked him, he told me they were boring!! LOL!
Ravi is riding the fence right now. He see's that at his dad's, he can do things he can't do at my house. I won't let him sass me, nor is he allowed to kick the walls, spray paint the garage or be mean to his little sisters. With his dad, if he gets mad due to his dad's attempts to discipline, his dad will coddle him to stop him from being angry. Ravi is seeing the distinct advantage in living with his dad, instead of me.
Last night when Ravi was in bed, his dad called (he called earlier but Ravi was in the shower -- and his dad wanted me to HOLD THE PHONE till Ravi was finished!). Ravi talked with his dad, and started playing with him, sounding very sad, and lonely, and then said, "I want to be with you daddy". So after they got off the phone, Ravi proceeded to cry, to lose control of himself and nothing I could do could help him feel better. Finally I told him, "Son, I am sorry you feel so sad. You will see your dad very soon, remember during Christmas holidays?". RAvi continued to cry, and this turned into a temper tantrum where he said he didn't like me anymore. At that point I told him I love him very much, but that I would NOT stand around getting my feelings hurt. If he needed me, he would need to let me know, but I was going to leave the room. At this point he began to cry again, and said he needed me. I sat there with him and rubbed his back, and listened to him.
Ravi is confused. He wants the freedom to not be supervised with his dad. His dad is so selfish in many ways, that he has very little idea of what is going on in Ravi's heart. This is where Ravi gets very upset, and has fantasys of what it would be like if his dad really did care and understand him.
Bottom line, he is playing the fences, one time he is tattling on his dad to me, and another moment he is saying he wants to live ith his dad. I guess I never thought it would come so soon!
come back from a visit, it takes several days for them to get back in the swing on things. So far school is not suffering, but I assume that it will, if we can't find our balance in visitations.
EVERYDAY LIVING:
As far as our home life, the kids are having a wonderful time, with the exception of some fighting occassionally amoung the kids. Let me explain that. We are living in another families home at this time. Their are 9 of us here, total of 6 kids, 3 adults. Not it isn't some group home thingy. My friends saw the situation I was in with my now ex-husband, not having income, no savings, and no money what so ever. Our of their kind hearts, they offered to share their new addition with us, so we now live in that, which used to be a very large garage.
The woman, Sara, and I share cooking duties, and rotate kitchen cleaning ect. While I have set up my living room in our sleeping space (with a very cool media set-up) we use their dining room and kitchen. We have two refrigerators, and there are only two bathrooms amoung us. Naturally the dishwasher and bathtub are always running!! Ravi is taking showers most of the time now, so at least it doesn't take as long to get him all cleaned up.
We have about 20 acres of land to run around on, and the kids use this to their full advantage. Amoung all the fun things, there are bikes for all the kids, a trampoline, in the summer there is a feeding trough for a pool, and a garden to help with, and horses EVERYWHERE. The kids believe I have special magical powers because I talk to the horses and they always whiney or neigh back at me.
The kids are pretty resourceful with the land, and I think more than bikes and toys, the earth is the most interesting thing to them. They dig, and dig, and dig. I think Lakshmi made it to China one day. That's what I did as a child. I dreamed of digging a fort into the ground. I was going to be able to go down into the hole, and everyone else would be able to stand on the ground over it. Then I could go down to China, through my secret door. Most of the other side of the world was mapped in my mind thorugh digging! Since I grew up in the south, in the Bible thumping region of the world, even the Devil (mythical figure of the underworld) could be accessable through digging, but the only other way there was through hells burning gates!
Personally for me, I can't wait until we start to grow our garden.
I love the musty smell of the damp earth on my hands.
HOUSE HUNTING:
While I am not nearly ready to buy a house, I have done my share of looking. Just the other day I was eyeing a beautiful but unfinished house. I just stopped in front of it to eye it up close, and the man who owns the house, came out and said hello. Apparently, as the story goes, in 1999, a tornado touched down here in the town, and stripped several blocks of houses, leaving nothing but the dirt. He didn't tell me if anyone died, but from the looks of the town, it has been hard for everyone to rebuild. I wondered why there were some mobile homes in the neighborhoods, where usually the associations don't allow that.
He told me that second story was completely destroyed, and pulled off the house. He decided to build around the entire house, so that the house from before is there, but a new house will be there. I don't understand the concept, but apparently the house was an antebellum, and they didn't want to see the house bulldozed.
The houses for sale in this area stretch from cottages, ranches, bungalows, historic homes from 200 years ago, to incredible $300,000.00 and up homes. This is a tiny town compared to where I lived before. It has it's quaint feel, and I love it in many ways.
Sadly, I can only afford a house in the $100,000.00 range.
In a few days, I will post a few photos of the area, and houses for sale.
When I first got here a little over a month ago, I accidently found a goat farm. Then a couple of weeks later I FOUND them again, on purpose! LOL! I would love to have a couple of goats so I could give Priya goat milk, fresh. I think she would find goat milk much more copable.
Just yesterday, I found the part of town where one can buy a $300,000.00 house. Getting lost is really like finding myself!
Our daily balance in life is that of getting used to going to a new school. We attended a Christmas program the other night at the school, and we felt so much more at home.
Ravi is having a hard time finding his balance here. He came home from visiting with his dad, saying, "It's boring in the country!". There is so much more to do in the city, like going to a park, or going to museums." I asked him if he had been to a park yet with his dad. "Well, yes, once, in the dark". I asked, "Have you been to a museum yet?" Ravi said, "No, but I plan to and you can't go to a museum here in the country, it is soooo boring".
Of course, Ravi wasn't with me the weekend that I went to an art museum, and I hadn't any idea that he wanted to go. Last time I asked him, he told me they were boring!! LOL!
Ravi is riding the fence right now. He see's that at his dad's, he can do things he can't do at my house. I won't let him sass me, nor is he allowed to kick the walls, spray paint the garage or be mean to his little sisters. With his dad, if he gets mad due to his dad's attempts to discipline, his dad will coddle him to stop him from being angry. Ravi is seeing the distinct advantage in living with his dad, instead of me.
Last night when Ravi was in bed, his dad called (he called earlier but Ravi was in the shower -- and his dad wanted me to HOLD THE PHONE till Ravi was finished!). Ravi talked with his dad, and started playing with him, sounding very sad, and lonely, and then said, "I want to be with you daddy". So after they got off the phone, Ravi proceeded to cry, to lose control of himself and nothing I could do could help him feel better. Finally I told him, "Son, I am sorry you feel so sad. You will see your dad very soon, remember during Christmas holidays?". RAvi continued to cry, and this turned into a temper tantrum where he said he didn't like me anymore. At that point I told him I love him very much, but that I would NOT stand around getting my feelings hurt. If he needed me, he would need to let me know, but I was going to leave the room. At this point he began to cry again, and said he needed me. I sat there with him and rubbed his back, and listened to him.
Ravi is confused. He wants the freedom to not be supervised with his dad. His dad is so selfish in many ways, that he has very little idea of what is going on in Ravi's heart. This is where Ravi gets very upset, and has fantasys of what it would be like if his dad really did care and understand him.
Bottom line, he is playing the fences, one time he is tattling on his dad to me, and another moment he is saying he wants to live ith his dad. I guess I never thought it would come so soon!
come back from a visit, it takes several days for them to get back in the swing on things. So far school is not suffering, but I assume that it will, if we can't find our balance in visitations.
EVERYDAY LIVING:
As far as our home life, the kids are having a wonderful time, with the exception of some fighting occassionally amoung the kids. Let me explain that. We are living in another families home at this time. Their are 9 of us here, total of 6 kids, 3 adults. Not it isn't some group home thingy. My friends saw the situation I was in with my now ex-husband, not having income, no savings, and no money what so ever. Our of their kind hearts, they offered to share their new addition with us, so we now live in that, which used to be a very large garage.
The woman, Sara, and I share cooking duties, and rotate kitchen cleaning ect. While I have set up my living room in our sleeping space (with a very cool media set-up) we use their dining room and kitchen. We have two refrigerators, and there are only two bathrooms amoung us. Naturally the dishwasher and bathtub are always running!! Ravi is taking showers most of the time now, so at least it doesn't take as long to get him all cleaned up.
We have about 20 acres of land to run around on, and the kids use this to their full advantage. Amoung all the fun things, there are bikes for all the kids, a trampoline, in the summer there is a feeding trough for a pool, and a garden to help with, and horses EVERYWHERE. The kids believe I have special magical powers because I talk to the horses and they always whiney or neigh back at me.
The kids are pretty resourceful with the land, and I think more than bikes and toys, the earth is the most interesting thing to them. They dig, and dig, and dig. I think Lakshmi made it to China one day. That's what I did as a child. I dreamed of digging a fort into the ground. I was going to be able to go down into the hole, and everyone else would be able to stand on the ground over it. Then I could go down to China, through my secret door. Most of the other side of the world was mapped in my mind thorugh digging! Since I grew up in the south, in the Bible thumping region of the world, even the Devil (mythical figure of the underworld) could be accessable through digging, but the only other way there was through hells burning gates!
Personally for me, I can't wait until we start to grow our garden.
I love the musty smell of the damp earth on my hands.
HOUSE HUNTING:
While I am not nearly ready to buy a house, I have done my share of looking. Just the other day I was eyeing a beautiful but unfinished house. I just stopped in front of it to eye it up close, and the man who owns the house, came out and said hello. Apparently, as the story goes, in 1999, a tornado touched down here in the town, and stripped several blocks of houses, leaving nothing but the dirt. He didn't tell me if anyone died, but from the looks of the town, it has been hard for everyone to rebuild. I wondered why there were some mobile homes in the neighborhoods, where usually the associations don't allow that.
He told me that second story was completely destroyed, and pulled off the house. He decided to build around the entire house, so that the house from before is there, but a new house will be there. I don't understand the concept, but apparently the house was an antebellum, and they didn't want to see the house bulldozed.
The houses for sale in this area stretch from cottages, ranches, bungalows, historic homes from 200 years ago, to incredible $300,000.00 and up homes. This is a tiny town compared to where I lived before. It has it's quaint feel, and I love it in many ways.
Sadly, I can only afford a house in the $100,000.00 range.
In a few days, I will post a few photos of the area, and houses for sale.
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