My Father

It's been so long since I've posted an update. The news this year is that my father passed away in March. We are all very lost without him. He had been sick for a long time but none of us was ready to accept that his time had come. Even though we have been grieving so hard, we have come closer together in our dad's absence. We are kinder to each other, and listen with a ready ear instead of rushing off during a conversation. Conflicts are marked with us working hard to meet in the middle. We live in fear of losing our mother, and know one day all of us will have our last day. I never "got" what my friends had been through, even my closest friends who have lost both parents. After the shock of my father dying, then came the shock of seeing him for the last time, then the shock of making his final plans. The final resting place. The final prayer. The finality of it. It is hard to accept. The mind and the spirit are surely separate, but connected. During my dad's funeral, the priest was talking about something, and I can't remember at all. All I could think of was that there were three little granddaughters, two young grandson's and one young granddaughter who would never see their grandfather again. And then there was my mom, and my brother and sister. And then me. I really struggle with that finality. During the service I could think of nothing except the last time we saw him; his hands crossed over his chest, his face at rest. The thought nearly had me crying again, then suddenly a lazy wasp came from over my left, rose over the top of my dad's casket, hovered there, as if to say, "Here I am. I'm not dead at all. I just transformed into this lazy wasp". The wasps long legs hung down low, and it gently buzzed around us, then began to rise up to the stained-glass windows of the old historical church. I never heard another word from the priest. At this point I only heard a humming sound, and for a few minutes tears pour from my eyes, because it was a "message" that my dad was still with us. I've always believed that when someone near and dear dies, that something from the natural world appears before us as a messenger. Funny that it was a wasp. My dad was like a wasp in many ways. He feared, respected and appreciated from afar. Only my mom ever had his full closeness. Only my mom captured his glances, his approval and his devotion. But it was supposed to be that way...our parents loved each other so much, and in many ways their love filled us too. I miss him so much, and now that I understand so much more about him, I admire him.

Other "news": The kids have continued to grow, no longer like weeds, but they are much older and it's hard to imagine that and accept that empty nesting is hurdling towards me as if a falling comet is being drawn to the earth like gravity. I'm getting older too (reference to the group Heart's "Landslide"). Now a single mother of teens, I both dread them growing up and leaving, and cling to my "future" independence as not just a single mother, but a single woman. I have no idea what life after kids will be like, but the closer I get, the more I pour over their baby photos and re-read blog posts from the past. I guess I'm really happy with the way my kids turned out (so far!). During those early days as a single mother, I thought I must be making so many mistakes. Many other people thought I was too. But as the years have proven, they are terrific young people with kind hearts, smart minds and hopeful futures. We have dogs, Pepe and Pedro, our Mini Doxies. We moved again, so Priya could go to the middle school of her choice. Yes, I became rent-poor so that Priya could attend a really good school, which turned out to be an average school (and I hold it over her head too). ;) School is out and so far both girls have spent most of the summer laying around on the sofa. What happened to my kids who used to play outside all day long and cry when I made them come inside for dinner and baths??? We still haven't become enlightened by Iphones, Ipads and Ipods, but the girls wish we had. I have a regular android (see, I'm still smart, just not fancy) and we share it. Ravi moved in with his father last year and nearly broke my heart in half. It's okay. I still love him. He moved back in with me, then back in with his dad, and now back and forth, something he never wanted to do, but enjoys a lot. I'm okay with it, and I have accepted that my almost 18 year old will be back more often, even though he is venturing out into adulthood in only two more months. I'm still attending births and had a "surprise" birth last Sunday. Second time in 13 years that I've ever had the first phone call on the day the mother was going into labor. Everything turned out fine. Adorable baby, and family. I guess, things are simple right now. I don't have big expectations of finding a husband anymore, and if I found someone I liked, he would have to be darn-near perfect. :) We all know that's not possible! That's it for now, if anyone is reading, then yay! If not, this is the story of my life. : ) Jyotsna