My girls danced in garba!

Last night we danced our feet off dancing garba. We even got some dandia ras in before everyone got tired. The Gujarati community has been dancing garba and dandia for weeks! We missed all of the main garba events this year, except for the last one at the South Indian temples here. That's the one where Priya got very sick. She's better now. We had heard from the BAPS temple that there was a special occassion, but we had missed two Sundays so we didn't know what the special occassion was. We did dress up when we went to temple however, and that was a good thing. Last night was the womens and girls special garba. Garba by the way is pronounced as "Gurbah".


Last year we attended the major Garba event at one of the high school gyms, and there was live music...very loud...very fun and I danced, but it was so crowded that I often ended up being stepped on or bumped in to. One guy bumped into me and knocked me down to the ground. I decided to get out of the fast dancing at that point, and return to the very slow but outside circle. Lakshmi and Priya had a great time playing with the kids, but they noticed that a little girl younger than them knew all of the Garba dances, and danced with the adults all night. This was their favorite friend at the time, and they talked about this all year! So this year the girls were dressed for dancing and they decided not to. I grabbed Lakshmi and took her to the circle where I stood behind her and moved her arms and body until she learned the basic steps. She was resisting most of the time saying, "I know how, or I don't want to do it anymore". After two times around the large circle, she danced the rest of the night! She did so great. Lakshmi has problems with movement, and she did wonderfully in spite of it.

I grabbed Priya next, and she wanted to dance like Lakshmi was dancing, so I helped her and in time she was dancing too. It felt wonderful doing Garba with my girls. The future includes the girls and I dancing Garba. It is a wonderful opportunity to help them connect to their Indian heritage.

Lakshmi told me last night that she feels like a "real Indian". That made my heart feel very happy".

I wish I had a photo, but I had no idea we were doing Garba, so I didn't bring a camera. I hope someone there did take a photo, and if so I will get a copy. Meanwhile, here is a very short video of Garba here in our city, but I only wish it was better put together.




Fall is the season for Indian holidays, and the next thing on our calendar is Diwali (some call Deepawali). This holiday is special because it is all about Goddess Lakshmi. I plan to decorate and celebrate to the fullest. Most families go from one friends or families home to the other. We will be in the middle of moving, but we will do our best.

Jyotsna

Happy Dussehra!

The kids and I got all dressed up last night to go to the temple for the very final night of Dandia Raas and end to the holiday. I even talked a friend to meeting us there, who is married to an Indian (Just got married!).

She and her three darling daughters got there and then later at some point we got there. Unfortunately, I was running back and forth between the ceremonial room where the garba was, and the bathroom where Priya was. Between the segments of dancing, there was an aarti, and then then prasad, and we stayed long enough to have prasad (yummy rice, tomato pickled, gota, and one other dish which I didn't care for, nor did I know what it was. Anyway, it was prasad, so what's the difference. We also had a fruit/sweet prasad, and that was fab. Finally Priya wasn't better, so we went home. I was so disappointed, as I never saw my friend there.

I took two pictures of the girls in their pretty outfits (which never got to dance) just before I brushed their hair and we left. These and one of me AFTER we got home, after I took off my sari.






Here's to next year, and a season of dancing garba and dandia ras!
Jyotsna

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I turned 45 years old.

Facebook has proven friendly on the birthday wishing. And my phone rang all day with birthday well wishers. I took my yearly birthday nap today, and hoped that the kids would give me 45 minutes time to fall asleep and then get back up, but instead they all came into my room and the girls were crawling all over me, Ravi had a model airplane that he was driving around on my bed, and at some point a sharpe part of the plane tore my completely worn out sheets, just in a little spot, but still....they are not torn. Ahhhhh.

But you know, I felt really special knowing that my kids actually wanted to hang out with me on my birthday. All three kids took a chore that I normally do and they did it for me, so they could earn $1 each. Then they asked me to take them to the dollar store to buy me gifts. I had to pay the tax too, but my kids love me and want to give me something that they picked out, that they bought. Very sweet. I try to remind the kids to make gifts for each other during holidays, but I would have had to help them make a gift for me, so dollar tree was fine.

I got a call from my dad yesterday and he offered to take me to the Hummingbird Festival about 1 1/2 hours from here. So we are going on Sunday, and hoping that the rain doesn't come till late in the afternoon. We will go early enough to enjoy the festival BEFORE the rain. My mom called me this morning asking if I would like to have a birthday dinner, so they are taking me out to a nice (and new to me) restaurant tomarrow night. Last but not least, I'm taking the kids to the fair tomarrow, for rides and so much more. They are so excited.

Other news is that my kids got H1N1 last week and were sick pretty bad at first. But I took them to the doc, got the meds for Tamiflu and they got better right away.
Lakshmi had a 104 fever and was walking around the house with a smile on her face saying, "I feel great". AFter a few hours of that, I realized that she was afraid she would miss the fair if she was sick, so I settled her down by reassuring her that she would not miss the fair because of being sick.

My small garden has almost finished for the year. I still have two tomatoes and two eggplants finishing up, and then I am going to make an end of year dish to celebrate and offer to our Lord Ganesha for thanks. I've learned more this year, and I only hope that next year nets more veggies and fruits. The fig tree was delightful this year, and I canned several jars of fig preserves, plus still have enough figs in the freezer to can maybe 6 more jars of fig preserves. I'm still hoping I will get in some more cans of tomatoes. I haven't been able to order a water bath canner, so I have been making small batches of jams, preserves and tomatoes.

That is the limit of my work this year, but the fact that I taught myself how to water bath can this year is wonderful. It means I will be able to continually do this all through the year, whenever I have anything can-able.

My mint leaves are coming back in after the heat lifted off this summer, and I am almost ready to make mint jelly. I think I will give it for gifts, as I have alot of mint.

This summer in the south was like a very warm spring, and there are predictions that we will have a very cold or severe winter. I guess this is the reason that all of my tomatoes ripened in a 10 day period recently. Talk about abundance. In otherwords, you should have seen my bun dance, putting those tomatoes to use! : )

Very good news for me this year is that I am starting out with better health than I have in years. I did have swine flu this year, but otherwise I didn't have pnuemonia, something that has been a return every year.

Also in an area that I have had problems with for the last 4 years, child support: The child support payments are now going to start rolling in with no problem. I am awaiting a court date to have all this dealt with once and for all. But at least the state is having my ex's employer take the money out of his check now. It was the one thing he begged me not to do when we divorced, because he didn't want anyone there to know I guess, but anyway, he played with me via the money too many times, and I really had no choice than to have the state handle the money from now on.

I'm happy that I have resolved alot of this so I won't have to have much contact with him. This will help the kids alot, since it was stressing them out every time we were in the same space, and this will prevent Chandra from having any reason to be near me, or hurt me again in the future.

I think I waited on the child support waiting list for 4 years. It was a long time. I applied not long after our divorce, because unfortunately he was not paying on time, being late by a few days, and as of late, he was even not depositing all the money he usually did, so things had turned so sour that I couldn't take it anymore.

So, please lift a glass of wine (or tea) for me, and many of the issues that have been resolved this year. I couldn't do it without the support of all of my friends and family.

Edited that final bit...forgot to take it out at the end.

Hugs and kisses to you!

Jyotsna

Swine Flu (H1N1) Returns

Believe it or not, we have H1N1 in our house again, but this time it isn't me. The kids picked it up somewhere. Everyone wants to know how they got it, since we homeschool. Just in case I am the very first person to tell you all, homeschoolers don't stay at home all day. We go places, and the library being one of the places, which is public. But we go other places too. Nevertheless, they picked it up somewhere.

The kids and I swim nearly daily. We were just getting to the point that we were going to stop swimming due to the colder weather (yes summer) when they came down with swine flu. I don't know if we will swim again after this or not. I have put on a couple of pounds this week because I'm not able to get out and exercise. I have been making big changes left and right, and I'm so pleased about it, but until we are well, I'll be at home caring for the kids.

We went to the doctor not once, but twice this past week. First was to take Lakshmi. Ravi and Priya waited out in the hallway while I had Lakshmi checked out. She was positive for H1N1, and I asked for meds for the other two. The doctor said no, but of course Ravi started with symtoms the very next day, so right back to the doctors office, exactly where we didn't like to go in the first place, and both Ravi and Priya were tested. Ravi had it, Priya didn't.

So all three however are on the meds, Priya's is a preventative dose (less than the other two). While at the doctors office on the second day, they kids were required to wear face masks. After a while, a nurse came out into the sick room to ask everyone with flu symptoms to leave the sick room and go out in the hall to wait. To my shock, EVERYONE got up and walked out! Then one family left the hallway and walked into the sick room. I wondered why they went back in there, afterall, now it is contaminated with flu virus at this point! The face masks are from the doctors office, and I thought it would be cute to have the kids sit on our sofa with them on.

Take your vit C and stay well!
Jyotsna

Blueberry Peach Preserves and Finding Myself

Hi everyone,

I haven't had a chance to post in the last 3 weeks, been a little busy.

For one thing, Ravi and Lakshmi left on June 30th, and 2/3'rds of my news left with them. : ) And then just like last year, Priya visited my sister with both of my neices, and I had an entire 8 day period of no children whatsoever! So while I have missed my little ones, I really needed a break, and especially the time that Priya left gave me zero children to feed, wash, care for ect, and I took a journey of my own.

However I want to tell you about something else, something that has been on my mind for a long time. A story about ME, and how I have coped since my divorce.

Something has been on my mind for as long as I have been a single mother: a failed marrige, abusive spouse, single parenting and financial difficulties have taken it's toll on my life, and long ago I started sinking down the nasty trail of accusing myself of not being a good enough wife, or a good enough mother (for not getting the kids away from the danger sooner), disappointing my parents by getting a divorce, ect., I reached a point in my life where I allowed everyone to walk on me, feeling I was not a valued person anymore, and I sunk deep into despair over my devalued status that was self imposed as well. I have had momentary awareness that this could have been the most devastating thing in my life, but then I would feel the guilt again, for all the number of reasons, and I think I began to not love myself as I should.

Last year when all three children were gone, I spent 8 days wandering around the house, planning to paint, planning to make food to put in the freezer ect, and all I could do was sleep, and I felt so bad about that too. My kids arrived home to me, but I was more exhausted and more overwhelmed.

When it came time for Priya to leave this year, I had already decided that I may or may not get any of the work done, that seems to just pile up in this house each week, but that I would be kind to myself, and give myself a respite from my internal negative messaging (like my heart sending my soul an email about how terrible I am). I wasn't going to do that any more, for 8 days straight. The first day I started my vacation, my exhusband took the children out of the state without telling me. He made my sweet precious daughter Lakshmi call me up at 11:30pm my time, 12:30am in the city where they went, to tell me she was in Atlanta, Georgia. The helplessness that set into my heart and soul was overwhelming. I didn't even know where she was, and it was fricking 11:30pm, and I was awoken out of my sleep thinking that there was an emergency. The emergency was the realization that he could just take my children and leave, and never come back again, and possibly he could leave to India, where it would be very hard to find my children.

Friday night until Sunday afternoon, I worried constantly about how my son and daughter were doing. I started sending the internal email messages to myself about how horrible a mother I was, for not haven taken their dad to court to straighten out the parenting plan (in all honesty, I don't have the money to do that), so that they wouldn't be out of state away from our city without my knowledge. Even after they came home, I wasn't allowed to talk to them, and I felt terrible inside, and the messages kept coming. I had picked up a book at the library that I had wanted to read for a very long time. For some reason, I never had time to read this book, and I even started the book once, only to take it back to the library because I only got into the first couple of chapters before I had to return it.

That night I opened up this book and made a deal with myself. I was going to read this book no matter what. I was going to let this be my stress reliever.
I had no idea how important it was that I should read this book during this 8 day period of no children.

I began to read Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, and I started a journey that would take me where I haven't been in a very long time, the journey of falling in love with myself. Maybe I mean my entire life! I was so drawn into this book, that I could feel the emotional distress that the writer was feeling, and the pain that was caused by choices she had to make, as well as choices she didn't make. I cried, I wept for the first time in a long time...really wept for myself and for my children. The author decided that she was going to take some time off from her life to straighten out herself. She decided to take a trip to Italy, India and Indonesia, and I also decided that I was going to take some time off...from guilt.

I had no one over to my house during this time. I went to bed each night with my book in my arms, and I would stretch out and read, then sleep, then wake up and read again. I did this whenever I felt like it. I did have the hope to finish the book, but again I was in no rush. Something shifted in me. One day I decided to get a membership at the Y and start swimming again. Another day I stopped at Whole Foods and ate a delicious salad. I opened the front and back doors to my house to let a cool, gentle breeze come into my house. I have always loved to do this, but for some reason stopped it. Another day I ate vegetable sushi. I didn't eat anything at all that I dislike. I ate a peach here, and apple there, a cracker and peice of cheese, or a boiled egg. I just looked at food as pureness and goodness, and finally realized that I deserve to have that pure and good food.

I have struggled with food since I was a young women, thinking of myself too fat, not pretty enough, unworthy of love and food...not a very good existance. As I began to ask myself little questions, the answers I heard where new and refreshing. I did want to be loved, and I was worthy of it. I do have to eat food to live, and that food should be something that brings me pure pleasure. I'm not saying that I should only eat icecream and chips. To be honest, I used to think they brought me a certain pleasure, but looking back I can see they do not. I even realized that I can eat icecream, and drink juice, and eat pasta, and not feel guilty. Yes, I have always felt guilty for eating pasta. I started looking at food from the point of little messages of love, being sent inside of me when I chewed and swallowed it. I know that this sounds like I was substituting food for love, but no, that's not it at all.

Food keeps us alive, but we need to love it too, and eat only that which we love and loves us back, or loves our bodies back. I pictured eating a beautiful still life painting of apples, sliced cheese, raspberries and homemade bread. That is something I'd love to eat. So just like in the book, I took the elements of my favorite foods, and placed them on a plate and sat in front of it, on the floor cross legged (something I love to do while eating). I looked at the food. I considered the nutrients that were on the plate. I imagined the amount of sunlight it would take to grow the berries and apples, and how much food a cow would have to eat to make milk for the cheese, and the lovingly way that the owner of the cow would milk the cow to get the milk, and feed and pet her as a reward for the precious living food. I thought about the grains of wheat blowing restlessly in the wind as they grow below the warm sun. I imagined the person who broke down the wheat to be used for bread, and the bread baker who mixed the ingredients with hands, and created a soft dough, allowed it to rise, and then ultimately baked it in the oven, so I could keep myself alive. The food was truely so beautiful when I looked at it that way, and honestly, I could see that I am beautiful too, as I was created in a more amazing way that any of this food. After saying a small prayer in thanks for my food, I slowly ate each bite. I nibbled the berries, the cheese sat on my tongue for a moment while I thought about how creamy and tangy it tasted. I crunched the apple very loudly, as loud as I could possibly crunch it, and enjoyed every morsel of the fresh slice of homemade bread. I realized that it made me happy. I allowed my body to digest it in such a way to sustain all the parts of my body, to attach it's nutrients to my body and keep me healthy. I made a promise to eat foods that make me feel loved, healthy, happy and keep me well. It was a simple promise but a great step.

I went swimming every day when it wasn't raining. I started to think of my body in my swimsuit, and imagine how it looked. At first I wanted to revert to the same old self conscious wallowing; about how I am too heavy, and my body isn't perfect, but then I strutted, and walked, with confidence that I am supposed to be here on this planet, and I am supposed to be here in this pool, with this body, with this swim suit. I didn't rush like I normally do. If someone looked at me, I returned a smile, instead of feeling embarrassed. At some point in the week, I realized that I didn't mind walking all the way around the pool without a towel around me (although, there were some days where I was too cold not to tuck a towel around me).

I knew immediately that this was a personal victory. I have never allowed myself to walk around in my swim suit like others do. I've always had a cover up, or used the towel as a hiding spot. So, I am taking this love to my body, and allowing my body to just be. To be OKAY.

Every night after swimming, I took a shower at the Y, and changed into dry clothing. I took myself home and put pj's on, and climbed onto my big bed and started reading. Sometimes I would just cry at the thought of the similarities of my life and hers. There were many dissimilarities too. She didn't have children nor did she want them. However, like any woman, she wanted love, and so do I. And this is where I allowed myself to be adored, to be loved, to be strong, and weak, and sensitive. The author had taken a sabbatical from any type of relationship on her journey around the world. I realized that I have taken a 7 year sabbatical of having a relationship with any man...period. There have been many situations where I have started talking to a man who I would really, really like, and then back off. I have been so wounded by my marriage and divorce, that I have been afriad to meet a man and become vulnerable. It would not be possible to be in a relationship with a man without being vulnerable, but the last time I did that, I was hurt very, very badly. And I think I have put off negative energy to both men and women, because I went through such a confusing time after divorce, that I felt abandoned and unloved. I didn't love myself the way a person should. It is a very hard thing to open up that most sensitive and vulnerable place in me without worrying about getting hurt all over again.

All I could think was that it is time to let go of that. If I can love myself again, then I can let others love me, completely. That is something that is going to take more time. I've been searching for a partner, but I realized that until the universe is aware of the love I have for myself, that any potential partners will not come my way. I am working on that, and it is something that I want more than ever, to share my life with a partner, and to share the kind of love that only two lovers share. I deserve that kind of love, the love that would allow a lover to give love to me, and for me to give love back.

Can you believe that during my week, I did something that I haven't done since I was a kid. I started diving again. I used to get so much out of the physical challenge of diving. I loved doing flips, doing back dives, high dives, 1 1/2's and more. One day I allowed myself to dive into the water and not be afraid.

My children will all be home very soon (Ravi and Lakshmi come home on August 1st) and even though I only have 2 days to go, I am hoping that the love I have for myself, will be something big, something that they will see, and perhaps like to find in themselves too. Guilt is too painful, and it is never ending. Why have I allowed myself to have such an unhappy existance all this time? I may never know, but I do know that I am freeing myself of the bondage of guilt, and finally accepting that I need love to thrive too.

Priya arrived home last Friday, and she brought an unbelievable amount of freshly picked blueberries with her. We have been making preserves and freezing tons of blueberries, making peachy preserves, and just enjoying eating the fruit fresh. It was the perfect gift for me, after spending so much time trying to find myself again, and start loving me like I deserve. I still get such a smile on my face when I think about her handing me 6 quarts of blueberries.

Something very significant has shifted in me. If you know me in person, you may notice how much more relaxed I am now. Several people commented about it last week and even this week. My relationship with Priya is going so much better. She is such a wiggly, talkative person, that I used to become overwhelmed with her. I am sure I will again feel that way at some point, but I can see I am going out of my way to carefully word my thoughts, so as to create a sense of peace between us.

Thank you for reading my thoughts here. I hope you will find the personal happiness and pleasure that you deserve too. I would love to go on a trip like the author of the book did, to find my inner love, but both you and I can do it right here at home with a little time to yourself, to think over your life. And may you Eat, Pray and Love.

Jyotsna

Nick.com...These kids live off the grid!

http://www.nick.com/turbonick/?extvideoid=198701

Some amazing kids who live off the grid. Starting with Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage where several children tell what it is like to live in an ecovillage, and live off the grid (not connected to power company) to a Hollywood family who is also off the grid, and then finally to New York where a child can make a difference!

Hope you enjoy it,
Jyotsna

Beautiful Priya Celebrates Her 9th Birthday!

Priya celebrated her birthday last Saturday. We actually didn't have a party, but just happened to be playing at the water park on the same day. She was disappointed that she didn't get a party, but she had fun with her friends and sister.

Priya on her birthday......



And Priya as a 4 month old baby....



Jyotsna