Hi everyone,
I haven't had a chance to post in the last 3 weeks, been a little busy.
For one thing, Ravi and Lakshmi left on June 30th, and 2/3'rds of my news left with them. : ) And then just like last year, Priya visited my sister with both of my neices, and I had an entire 8 day period of no children whatsoever! So while I have missed my little ones, I really needed a break, and especially the time that Priya left gave me zero children to feed, wash, care for ect, and I took a journey of my own.
However I want to tell you about something else, something that has been on my mind for a long time. A story about ME, and how I have coped since my divorce.
Something has been on my mind for as long as I have been a single mother: a failed marrige, abusive spouse, single parenting and financial difficulties have taken it's toll on my life, and long ago I started sinking down the nasty trail of accusing myself of not being a good enough wife, or a good enough mother (for not getting the kids away from the danger sooner), disappointing my parents by getting a divorce, ect., I reached a point in my life where I allowed everyone to walk on me, feeling I was not a valued person anymore, and I sunk deep into despair over my devalued status that was self imposed as well. I have had momentary awareness that this could have been the most devastating thing in my life, but then I would feel the guilt again, for all the number of reasons, and I think I began to not love myself as I should.
Last year when all three children were gone, I spent 8 days wandering around the house, planning to paint, planning to make food to put in the freezer ect, and all I could do was sleep, and I felt so bad about that too. My kids arrived home to me, but I was more exhausted and more overwhelmed.
When it came time for Priya to leave this year, I had already decided that I may or may not get any of the work done, that seems to just pile up in this house each week, but that I would be kind to myself, and give myself a respite from my internal negative messaging (like my heart sending my soul an email about how terrible I am). I wasn't going to do that any more, for 8 days straight. The first day I started my vacation, my exhusband took the children out of the state without telling me. He made my sweet precious daughter Lakshmi call me up at 11:30pm my time, 12:30am in the city where they went, to tell me she was in Atlanta, Georgia. The helplessness that set into my heart and soul was overwhelming. I didn't even know where she was, and it was fricking 11:30pm, and I was awoken out of my sleep thinking that there was an emergency. The emergency was the realization that he could just take my children and leave, and never come back again, and possibly he could leave to India, where it would be very hard to find my children.
Friday night until Sunday afternoon, I worried constantly about how my son and daughter were doing. I started sending the internal email messages to myself about how horrible a mother I was, for not haven taken their dad to court to straighten out the parenting plan (in all honesty, I don't have the money to do that), so that they wouldn't be out of state away from our city without my knowledge. Even after they came home, I wasn't allowed to talk to them, and I felt terrible inside, and the messages kept coming. I had picked up a book at the library that I had wanted to read for a very long time. For some reason, I never had time to read this book, and I even started the book once, only to take it back to the library because I only got into the first couple of chapters before I had to return it.
That night I opened up this book and made a deal with myself. I was going to read this book no matter what. I was going to let this be my stress reliever.
I had no idea how important it was that I should read this book during this 8 day period of no children.
I began to read Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, and I started a journey that would take me where I haven't been in a very long time, the journey of falling in love with myself. Maybe I mean my entire life! I was so drawn into this book, that I could feel the emotional distress that the writer was feeling, and the pain that was caused by choices she had to make, as well as choices she didn't make. I cried, I wept for the first time in a long time...really wept for myself and for my children. The author decided that she was going to take some time off from her life to straighten out herself. She decided to take a trip to Italy, India and Indonesia, and I also decided that I was going to take some time off...from guilt.
I had no one over to my house during this time. I went to bed each night with my book in my arms, and I would stretch out and read, then sleep, then wake up and read again. I did this whenever I felt like it. I did have the hope to finish the book, but again I was in no rush. Something shifted in me. One day I decided to get a membership at the Y and start swimming again. Another day I stopped at Whole Foods and ate a delicious salad. I opened the front and back doors to my house to let a cool, gentle breeze come into my house. I have always loved to do this, but for some reason stopped it. Another day I ate vegetable sushi. I didn't eat anything at all that I dislike. I ate a peach here, and apple there, a cracker and peice of cheese, or a boiled egg. I just looked at food as pureness and goodness, and finally realized that I deserve to have that pure and good food.
I have struggled with food since I was a young women, thinking of myself too fat, not pretty enough, unworthy of love and food...not a very good existance. As I began to ask myself little questions, the answers I heard where new and refreshing. I did want to be loved, and I was worthy of it. I do have to eat food to live, and that food should be something that brings me pure pleasure. I'm not saying that I should only eat icecream and chips. To be honest, I used to think they brought me a certain pleasure, but looking back I can see they do not. I even realized that I can eat icecream, and drink juice, and eat pasta, and not feel guilty. Yes, I have always felt guilty for eating pasta. I started looking at food from the point of little messages of love, being sent inside of me when I chewed and swallowed it. I know that this sounds like I was substituting food for love, but no, that's not it at all.
Food keeps us alive, but we need to love it too, and eat only that which we love and loves us back, or loves our bodies back. I pictured eating a beautiful still life painting of apples, sliced cheese, raspberries and homemade bread. That is something I'd love to eat. So just like in the book, I took the elements of my favorite foods, and placed them on a plate and sat in front of it, on the floor cross legged (something I love to do while eating). I looked at the food. I considered the nutrients that were on the plate. I imagined the amount of sunlight it would take to grow the berries and apples, and how much food a cow would have to eat to make milk for the cheese, and the lovingly way that the owner of the cow would milk the cow to get the milk, and feed and pet her as a reward for the precious living food. I thought about the grains of wheat blowing restlessly in the wind as they grow below the warm sun. I imagined the person who broke down the wheat to be used for bread, and the bread baker who mixed the ingredients with hands, and created a soft dough, allowed it to rise, and then ultimately baked it in the oven, so I could keep myself alive. The food was truely so beautiful when I looked at it that way, and honestly, I could see that I am beautiful too, as I was created in a more amazing way that any of this food. After saying a small prayer in thanks for my food, I slowly ate each bite. I nibbled the berries, the cheese sat on my tongue for a moment while I thought about how creamy and tangy it tasted. I crunched the apple very loudly, as loud as I could possibly crunch it, and enjoyed every morsel of the fresh slice of homemade bread. I realized that it made me happy. I allowed my body to digest it in such a way to sustain all the parts of my body, to attach it's nutrients to my body and keep me healthy. I made a promise to eat foods that make me feel loved, healthy, happy and keep me well. It was a simple promise but a great step.
I went swimming every day when it wasn't raining. I started to think of my body in my swimsuit, and imagine how it looked. At first I wanted to revert to the same old self conscious wallowing; about how I am too heavy, and my body isn't perfect, but then I strutted, and walked, with confidence that I am supposed to be here on this planet, and I am supposed to be here in this pool, with this body, with this swim suit. I didn't rush like I normally do. If someone looked at me, I returned a smile, instead of feeling embarrassed. At some point in the week, I realized that I didn't mind walking all the way around the pool without a towel around me (although, there were some days where I was too cold not to tuck a towel around me).
I knew immediately that this was a personal victory. I have never allowed myself to walk around in my swim suit like others do. I've always had a cover up, or used the towel as a hiding spot. So, I am taking this love to my body, and allowing my body to just be. To be OKAY.
Every night after swimming, I took a shower at the Y, and changed into dry clothing. I took myself home and put pj's on, and climbed onto my big bed and started reading. Sometimes I would just cry at the thought of the similarities of my life and hers. There were many dissimilarities too. She didn't have children nor did she want them. However, like any woman, she wanted love, and so do I. And this is where I allowed myself to be adored, to be loved, to be strong, and weak, and sensitive. The author had taken a sabbatical from any type of relationship on her journey around the world. I realized that I have taken a 7 year sabbatical of having a relationship with any man...period. There have been many situations where I have started talking to a man who I would really, really like, and then back off. I have been so wounded by my marriage and divorce, that I have been afriad to meet a man and become vulnerable. It would not be possible to be in a relationship with a man without being vulnerable, but the last time I did that, I was hurt very, very badly. And I think I have put off negative energy to both men and women, because I went through such a confusing time after divorce, that I felt abandoned and unloved. I didn't love myself the way a person should. It is a very hard thing to open up that most sensitive and vulnerable place in me without worrying about getting hurt all over again.
All I could think was that it is time to let go of that. If I can love myself again, then I can let others love me, completely. That is something that is going to take more time. I've been searching for a partner, but I realized that until the universe is aware of the love I have for myself, that any potential partners will not come my way. I am working on that, and it is something that I want more than ever, to share my life with a partner, and to share the kind of love that only two lovers share. I deserve that kind of love, the love that would allow a lover to give love to me, and for me to give love back.
Can you believe that during my week, I did something that I haven't done since I was a kid. I started diving again. I used to get so much out of the physical challenge of diving. I loved doing flips, doing back dives, high dives, 1 1/2's and more. One day I allowed myself to dive into the water and not be afraid.
My children will all be home very soon (Ravi and Lakshmi come home on August 1st) and even though I only have 2 days to go, I am hoping that the love I have for myself, will be something big, something that they will see, and perhaps like to find in themselves too. Guilt is too painful, and it is never ending. Why have I allowed myself to have such an unhappy existance all this time? I may never know, but I do know that I am freeing myself of the bondage of guilt, and finally accepting that I need love to thrive too.
Priya arrived home last Friday, and she brought an unbelievable amount of freshly picked blueberries with her. We have been making preserves and freezing tons of blueberries, making peachy preserves, and just enjoying eating the fruit fresh. It was the perfect gift for me, after spending so much time trying to find myself again, and start loving me like I deserve. I still get such a smile on my face when I think about her handing me 6 quarts of blueberries.
Something very significant has shifted in me. If you know me in person, you may notice how much more relaxed I am now. Several people commented about it last week and even this week. My relationship with Priya is going so much better. She is such a wiggly, talkative person, that I used to become overwhelmed with her. I am sure I will again feel that way at some point, but I can see I am going out of my way to carefully word my thoughts, so as to create a sense of peace between us.
Thank you for reading my thoughts here. I hope you will find the personal happiness and pleasure that you deserve too. I would love to go on a trip like the author of the book did, to find my inner love, but both you and I can do it right here at home with a little time to yourself, to think over your life. And may you Eat, Pray and Love.
Jyotsna
