All week long, I monitor the kids behaviour, just to see who gets to stay up for ONE hour after bedtime for some one on one time with me, on Friday night. First week, Lakshmi won hands down. She did all her homework without complaining, and she has a great attitude most of the time. Ravi and Priya were very upset about it, and were sad when they went to bed.
Second week, Lakshmi won again, but only because Priya had a major fit, which took 4 hours out of our after school time, and took time away from Ravi and Lakshmi.
Third week, Priya won. We had our one on one time tonight. Priya won because she did her homework without getting annoyed, and she had perfect behaviour this week. She has never had perfect behaviour before! I don't know if this is just a one time thing, or if we are finally getting somewhere with her behaviour, but it was wonderful!
We already had a very nice Friday evening. We watched a great movie, and had Spinach Dal and Rice with tomato pickle. After Ravi and Lakshmi went to bed, Priya and I played games. Oh my, Hi Ho Cherios, Dora the Explorer Parque de Diversiones, and Let's Go Fish'n.
I feel so happy to give each child some one on one time, but with three kids, and one me, it is hard to get it in. Priya was so happy to spend time with me without the other kids. I know she was very happy also because she behaved so well this week.
What got this whole thing started? Ravi has attachment disorder, and no matter what, Ravi hasn't been able to behave over the years. He loves to compete, and so I thought we would make up a game called "Survivor" ...like the show, only all the kids have to do is complete their homework without griping, and get ready at night and mornings, brush teeth, and keep a great attitude about life in general. The first week Ravi and Priya did terrible. They didn't think this would work, and so they didn't bother. But then when Lakshmi won, cause she behaved so well, they were quite annoyed. They really WANT THIS EXTRA TIME WITH ME! I figure once every one is with the plan, that each child will end up getting the same amount of time with me.
Ravi, sadly, had such a horrible two days this past week after school, that he was punching the walls, screaming, stomping, kicking, and more. It all starts with a small thing. Nothing major. I used to let Ravi get away with some small infractions like stomping, or shouting. Now after watching "The Nanny", I realized that we could be a family on that show! I have frankly hated the show, but I slowly warmed up, because I wanted Ravi to see it. I have gotten some nice tips on the show, but mostly the show is violent. After the most recent show we watched, I asked the kids to tell me what was happening, and share how they would have made it better. Turns out the kids realized how awful they were behaving, and agreed it would be nice if we have a quieter, more happy family.
I have challenged Ravi on EVERY SINGLE negative behaviour this week, and I turned things upside down in our house. I used strong sitting (facing wall in sitting position, with knees touching) with Ravi this week. For each negative temper tantrum he displayed, I asked him to do strong sitting. He didn't do it at first. He screamed, kicked and hit the walls. I continued to hold him when he was acting violent, and when he was sitting still and doing it, I would leave him to his "work". Strong sitting should last from 15 to 30 minutes. Ravi couldn't even get to strong sitting until 30 minutes of tantruming had occurred. He is getting better now.
When he would start to scream, or be violent, I would simply make him start his strong sitting over again. He finally got the idea that this could last forever. The very fact that I was sitting with him, and backing up positive behaviour, and "asking" him WHY he was feeling angry, made him feel better. Who every told me to ignore negative behavior was wrong!
Ravi felt very sad tonight that he wasn't going to get special time with me. I asked him to explain to me WHY he wasn't getting special time, and he was able to tell me the WHY'S for the first time ever! I hope and pray that this continues to help him.
Attachment disorder is one of the worst behaviour conditions that a child can develop. As most of my readers know, my children are adopted. The very first break with the birthmother is very hard on babies. Most people wonder why it would even matter to a new born baby. But a baby has spent 9 months listening to his mother breathe, sing, talk, laugh, and this is "inprinted" on the child's brain.
More than likely Ravi had a difficult time with the first break in attachment, and just being in an orphanage left him vulnerable to being neglected, and even abused.
When I got Ravi, I was SO HAPPY! It was the most important moment in my life. He was 11 months old when I arrived in India, and we connected right away. However when we arrived home, and we introduced Ravi's dad, he became very mixed up. I nursed Ravi, but also let him have a bottle to hold in his crib, if I was tired. That was wrong on my part. I didn't cause his attachment disorder, but not understanding it, was a problem too.
Ravi has come a long way. 3 years ago, he was very angry. He demonstrated no other emotions. He even hurt my mom. He was an F student and had terrible behaviours at school. But alot of attention, (me taking him out of school and homeschooling him againg) some help from professionals and my determination that Ravi was not going to become a statistic, made a huge difference in his life. Now, he is waiting for specific help from the attachment therapist in the state where we plan to move. I think this will be the make it or break it difference in Ravi's life now.
This has been my personal and private hell for several years. I have lived under stress that no mom would like to live under. But my love for Ravi is so strong that I could not turn my back on my child even when he hurt my mom and was hurting Lakshmi and Priya. I chose to seperate Ravi from the girls and protect the girls that way.
Well, if this behaviour modification doesn't work, I WILL call The Nanny!
Jyotsna
