No! Not me!! LOL!
This is a response to D, who is mom to 2 children and just
posted about "The Second Child" on her yahoogroup.
I'm an adoptive mom. I went through a 4 month "adoptive-pregnancy", as adoptive parents refer to it!
I went straight into having my first child Ravi, be a toddler! It was wonderful. I loved spending time playing with him, and while he was napping, I either napped with him, or wrote poems about him or journaled about him and my life with him. Then there were the three of us in the evenings, reading together, both of us giving the bath, both of us kissing and rocking him to sleep. It was such a magical time since we had tried to get pregnant since the first year of our marriage.
That magical time led to us wanting MORE of it. Specifically, we wanted a newborn girl.
We felt like we had really missed that special time with Ravi, and wanted to know what the mystery of it was! From the minute we were waiting, we experienced the magic of it all. What would she be like, how old would she be when we got her, and most importantly, would she be healthy.
I panicked when the adoption agency said it was time to go and get her. The thought of putting Ravi second, made my stomach turn. He was so excited about his baby sister, and I knew this was not reality. At the last minute, I decided we just didn't need another child! My sister (who has no children and wanted them desperately) stopped me from calling the adoption agency, and forced me on the plane. Ravi cried "NO, Don't Go!" so loudly that I could feel his sadness all the way to India. I felt I was doing the worst thing, to leave him like that, and bring in another person, who would need almost all of my attention for up to 6 months.
The first week we were home, I took the kids to the grocery, and Ravi tried to sell Lakshmi to someone. His comments were very specifically, "Please, TAKE HER!!!". Well, it was comical, but it represented the transition our family was now going through. Lakshmi was stuck to me night and day, every new thing she did, I would say, "Yea!!" and snap a photo.
The guilt I felt, was enormous! On one hand, I felt like Ravi was my favorite child. On the other hand, I loved cuddling up with my new, fresh smelling baby, who did no wrong.
What I really wanted was for Lakshmi to have that time alone with me, that Ravi had with me. And the conflicting thought was that I wanted Ravi to be the only child. I was torn inside, but fortunately over the first few weeks, my emotions began to equalize.
This is about the second child, but I have three children, and I never thought it would be an adjustment as much as the second child...and that is what I had heard!
We got the news about Priya right after I arrived home with Lakshmi. The girls are the same age, but from two different parts of India. I eagerly awaited Priya's arrival. I thought our family would be perfect when we finally got to India to get her. Instead, the conflict was between Lakshmi and Priya. Lakshmi cried all day and night at first. She stopped nursing. (she started again when we got home) She refused to be comforted by me. Broke my heart. She was only 13 months old when we got Priya, and she couldn't understand why mommy was hugging, loving, caring and playing with Priya. It took us about one year to finally find our bearings. It was a painful year. I thought I would never want another child. I thought we had made a terrible mistake. I had a hard time loving Priya because she was grabbing toys, pushing, biting and hitting Lakshmi. In Priya's orphanage, the way you got something was to hurt someone. It seemed like a war zone.
Adding more kids, always brings up the issue of if a mom has enough to pass around. I am amazed at my friends who have 10 and 12 children. Things seem to move so smoothly. I guess new children learn very quickly that love comes not only from mom and dad, but from older brothers and sisters. Still, I am sure that large families went through their growing pains.
These days, my children are friends, sometimes partners in crime, and they keep each other busy. No matter how old they are, or how they help each other, I still feel that guilty feeling creeping up. There is never enough time for Lakshmi to get the attention that Ravi got, and Priya got even less. Through all the growing pains I have experienced with my family, I have learned that I am incredibly strong and resilient. So are my kids.
Jyotsna
No comments:
Post a Comment