There was nothing more memorable than the Handing Over Ceremony of your newly adopted Indian child. Everything was fresh; your babies skin, your heartfelt feelings for your child, and your commitment to keep your child's ties close to India.
Sometimes however, India can be very overwhelming to the adoptive parent, so the most important thing becomes getting home and starting your new life with your child. We always plan to get to it. At the time of your child's adoption, he or she was young, and there may have been developmental and emotional milestones to cover to help your child adjust to the new life he or she is now facing. First American foods and Baptisms, first words and first educational settings are exciting, and the relief most adoptive parents feel once they settle in at home are many of the reasons parents never make the first steps towards building and maintaining their child's birthland ties.
So what do we do now? How do we get back on track with our plans to keep our child connected to India? This is the focus of this post, and possibly subsequent posts on the subject. I'm an adoptive mother to three children from India. I traveled to India every time I adopted a child. One of the unique perspectives I gained from traveling to India was how deeply connected my children were to their roots until I brought them home to America.
I will never forget the moment of lift off after four long months in India, when I was bringing home my son Ravi. I could taste America in my sweat. I could not stop thinking about home, and how much I missed my family. I could imagine how emeshed my family would become with my son as soon as they rushed to his side. As we taxied down the runway at the Chennai international aiport, Ravi quietly fell asleep in my arms. When the plane lifted off, it flew north and then banked sharply to the east, towards Singapore. I looked down the span of the wing as it pointed towards Chennai, and I looked at the strange little round hills surrounding Chennai, and I had a very odd feeling inside. Even though I had been living in India for 4 months, I was still foreign to her landscapes, the smell of the air, sounds of the city, and the sights of millions of people occupying a small country. I thought about the simple things that a baby experiences in the first two years. The senses are what connects the baby to his mother, to his country, to his playmates and loving caregivers at his orphanage or in his foster home. As I brought Ravi towards America to experience the freedom of the western world, to have fresh running water, and to have a family for the first time, I realized that I was taking him away from all the things that he ever knew. Those senses which were accustom to India, would find America foriegn. Ravi was asleep as we left India and never realized that he wouldn't be back. Arriving in America however caused Ravi to be foreigner of the senses.
The very first thing that a baby notices after he or she is born is the scent of his mother. And even while in his mothers uterus, he can taste the amniotic fluid. The face is sensory seeking, and the first thing a baby does is use the rooting action in order to find it's mothers breast. Therefore, when reconnecting a child to his or her homeland, we must start with the senses. It is important to allow our children to root. They will be curious about themselves first. They will wonder why we don't look the same. They will begin to see that they may be the only child in your neighborhood, church or school that is not the same.
Give your child little opportunities to experience India. Start by playing music from your child's language. Bring the familiar back. Learn how to make some of the regional cuisines that your child may have experienced in India. If your child was a baby when he left India, just offer something from his sub-culture. I have one child from West Bengal, and I often give her Bengali foods. The internet is full of recipe sites which are usually very adaptable to the supplies found in America.
Give your child the opportunity to see an Indian movie in their birth language. Most of the movies have sub-titles and my children enjoy watching the movie in sub-titles first, then in the language the movie was filmed in.
Today, various types of Indian clothing are readily available in America. Help your child feel proud about India by providing well fitting clothing throughout their childhood. It's not unusual to see a child take a particular level of pride in India around the age of 6 or 7 years. Many children enjoy giving a presentation about India, while wearing their special Indian clothing. This is an excellent learning time for both parents and children. If you are fortunate enough to live in a city or town with an excellent library system, you will find books, videos and music to share with your child's classmates and teacher.
For several years, my son created a display and gave a presentation about India for his class. The children in his class really liked knowing that he once lived in another country, and they loved experiencing India through his own eyes. My son loved being a teacher to others about his homeland.
India has an extremely rich and complex collection of art and literature, which has been endowed upon the world. Quite alot of poetry and literature has been written about the subject of adoption, many, many years ago. And if your child has a penchant for literature in general, he or she may really love diving in and connecting with India this way. In our family, we are lucky to be able to combine our love of Indian clothing, with our love of Indian art. The textiles market in India ranges from the simple bedsheets, unique clothing and exquisite rugs and wall hangings all found in the government bazaars and state emporiums. If you were lucky enough to drag away some of these things, your child will have a living museum of artifacts from their homeland. Handcarved animals, deities and furniture grace the home of many Indian adoptees. If you ever have the chance to purchase any Indian artifacts, you can give your child some pride, while enjoying the new experience your child has brought into your life.
Never discount your simple attempts at introducing your child to Indian culture. Over the years, I have heard some people say that you can't grow ties this way, but since we know children are sensory seeking, we know this is the best way to start; with cuisine, concerts, visiting Indian art exhibits, bringing artifacts into your home, and of course engaging our children with those who speak our child's birth language. Of course we can't stop there. If we are non-Indians, we have to become educated about India to teach our children. I have found the best way to help my children connect to their culture is by introducing them to Indian's.
When you are ready to take the next step, it will be time to get in contact with some of the local Indians in your community, who may be from your child's state in India. It can be inhibiting to approach strangers for help in connecting your child to India, but once you explain what you are trying to accomplish, most Indians will be very happy to have some impact on your childs life, and they also appreciate that you care about their country. Making contact with local Indians can be in the form of the India Association, which is prevelent in almost all larger cities where there are even smaller populations of Indians. This will be a group of Indians whom either they or their parents were born in India. This is the gateway group for connecting to the regional Indian groups in your city, for learning about Indian events that will take place, and where you can be involved through volunterism. Most India Associations have either an online or snailmail newsletter that comes out quarterly. For a nominal fee, you can become a member and receive important information.
If you do not have an India Association in your city, you may need to be a little creative in finding the Indian community. Search for an Indian grocery, Indian restaurant, or perhaps there may be a professor at the local college or university who can give you information. I have heard from one mom that every angle she turned to, she was turned away. She even told me that a couple of Indians were rude to her about her adopted childs background. It was very unfortunate that she allowed this to turn her away from the entire Indian community, shutting off her son's future connection to India. I believe that if you continue to search for community for your child, that you will eventually find it.
Now what? You have signed up for the newsletter, you know about the local Indian events, and now it is time to take action. Choose an event or activity in the community that is child focused, if there is one. This will help you feel more comfortable. Don't feel like you must wear Indian clothing to these events. Just take the time to make yourself presentable, clean and wear clothing that does not reveal your body. Make sure you can sit on the floor, as some events are floor seating only, but this won't always be the case. When Indians see that visitors are present, they are usually very friendly and attempt to carry on interesting conversations. Feel free to explain that you are searching for some Indian focused activities for your child, and this is one such activity that you are interested.
You may get invitations to other events. When I originally began searching for local community for my children, I kept a few things in mind. I tried to be cheerful when chatting with others. I complimented others. I offered to help when I could, and asked for guidance on cultural cues. I have never gone wrong when taking this approach. Our children sometimes feel out of place when they are the only child who is Indian. We can put ourselves in their shoes for just a little while at each event. The result builds pride and self-confidence in our children, and it is worth every moment of discomfort we may find ourselves experiencing, when trying something new!
There will come a time when your child is old enough to partipate in a culture camp. These camps are designed for the entire family. Education and fun are the focus. Chris Futia, coordinator for SPICE Camp, will tell you that Indian adoptees feel more connected to India and to each other when they are gathered together with each other, along with their families, learning about their country of birth. It is an experience that every Indian adoptee should have every year. Everywhere you look, there are little kids running around together, and teens chatting, all just being. Indian education is a very important element of the culture camp experience, but more importantly is the chance for children to be with other Indian adoptees and their families, where they are not different. Many families make their vacation orbit around the Indian culture camps, and many have made it a tradition of 20 years or more.
Professional homeland tours are an opportunity for older children and teens along with their families to see India, through their own eyes, up close and in person. Many Indian adoptees have not returned to India since their adoption. For some there is a burning desire to see India. Standing on the earth which supported you as a young child or baby, is an experience which should not be missed, if an adoptee wants to physically reconnect with India. Homeland tours can also be "homemade". Many families chose to visit India without the support of a tour guide, so they can spend more time in one place, make decisions on a day to day basis on where they want to go, who they want to see, or if they just need to rest. Returning home can be an emotionally overwhelming experience, which craves for time to rest and absorb the reality of ones life. Standing on the shore at the Bay of Bengal at Chennai, Tamil Nadu can really put some things into perspective, as well as looking out into the vast waters of the Indian Ocean from Trivandram, Kerala. The multitude of feelings, wishes, regrets and hopes may require some rest and relaxation.
While we adopt children to create and give family, we also must consider the negative impact that adoption has on a child. The taking away of ones country can result in the giving of a family, but we as parents are responsible for the re-rooting of our child's connection to India from the outside. The benefits of our actions cannot be understated. Many Indian adoptees feel like Americans on the inside, but their outsides scream "Indian". Every person that our children encounter will see them AS Indians, and there will be some expectation that our children actually know India. Re-rooting our children in their birth culture allows them to be fully Indian, culturally, while also being fully American.
For more information about Indian Heritage Camps:
India Nepalese Culture Camp
Mid-West ICHILD Heritage Camp
CAMP MASALA Indian Heritage Camp
Watch a video that shows how Holi is celebrated.
Learn how to cook Indian food:
IndianRecipes.org
Sanjay Thumma's Cooking Videos, VahRehVah.com
Shop for Indian Clothing
Indian Clothing
Find a support group:
ICHILD.org
Watch a video: Mariah gets a sister. Mariah, adopted from India, travels back to India with her parents to bring home a sister. This isn't a homeland tour, but it gives an interesting perspective of the adoptee returning to India.
Embarking on this incredible journey with your Indian adoptee can be extremely rewarding for both you and your child. Happy Trails!
Jyotsna
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